It plays out in front of you, like a bad flashback seen on sucky teledramas.
I cringed. Feeling vulnerable as hell, ONCE AGAIN.
So, I realized it’s still there. And I’m still not able to let it go. Just like that.
Maybe, I’m still not supposed to. Maybe I should still lie in it, since it reminds me of the things that went wrong. And why they were mistakes in the first place.
Or maybe it should just fucking go away. Because whether the pain leaves or not, I’m still going to remember it all. The words expressed. The conversations that broke my heart. As long as you’re breathing, and I’m here to see it, trust me, it’s there.
So, I think I better learn this “Letting the pain go…” bullshit soon. I kicked it out a couple of times but it keeps coming back. I figured that it’s not me that’s holding on to it. It’s IT that’s holding on to me. And there’s no freaking reason as to why it’s still here.
People ALWAYS say forgiveness is the key. I DID. I forgave her. I forgave him. And I keep on forgiving him. EVERYDAY. For all of this. For what I am now after everything he’s put me through.
But it’s still there. The pain. Feeding off me every chance it gets.
SEE. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. AND IT WON’T GO AWAY UNLESS I START TO FORGET EVERYTHING.
And the chances of that are slim to none. And I wouldn’t want it anyway.
I may be hurt right now but I won’t trade all of my memories just for that.
BUT SERIOUSLY, PAIN, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT.